sometimes things happen just like that.. all of a sudden without warning. and you'r left wondering what just happened?. was it real? and what did it mean? is there a reason for what just happened.? it seems that i live one of those times. where things just happen without realizing too much of what's happening around me, i'm like in a trans , looking at my life from a cloud above or on a screen at a desk. and it looks like i made all the right moves, said all the right stuff. and i do. i say the right stuff , do the right things, but it just feels so distant from me. like my actions aren't my own, like someone else is living my life, i feel different that what i see day by day. and i wonder who am i really, the day by day guy, the one who is always ok? the guy who seems that can recover from anything, the one who always laughs? or am i the other one, the one who is disappointed with life, with people, who wonders what's the point of all these masks that we wear, that are more precious to us that our real faces, these masks that, we hope, are the real us. those masks will eventually come of at some point, and people and maybe even you will be surprised with what's beneath them, maybe disappointment , maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised (that's quite rare).
every day i wonder at the end who will i really be?, the day to day one, or the one who is in the shadows of the first one, the one behind everything, who thinks 5 moves in advanced and 4 in retreat?? and every day i look at day to day one, and i feel as if it isn't me, like he is living my life, and i try to take control, but i can't. the way the world is, the way people are made him how he is, he can't show weakness, he can't let other people know how he really feels, and what happened to him, how the things that he went trough affected him and shaped him in the "thing" that he is today, all twisted and screwed up, second guessing every person, suspicious of everyone, trying to find out their real goals.
what i'm saying is that life screwed him up, and of course people in general, and he learned how to live like this. and it's hard to take control of that side, of that other me. in the end i wonder what the real side is, the day to day or the one in the shadow hopping for a change for better. guess i'll never know.. now that's interesting in a twisted, dark'n cloudy way.. but that's life..